The Light Behind Your Eyes
by padfootalecki
Summary: Cas's return from a long absence leaves Dean anxious and worried when he won't reveal where he's been, and both of them are faced with difficult choices.
1. Missing Piece

"Hey, Dean, wake up," a familiar voice rang through Dean Winchester's ears. He sat up and looked around, disgruntled, unaware that he had drifted off while his brother was at the library.

"Ugh, dammit, Sam," he grunted, all the while attempting to remove the sleep from his eyes. "I feel like I haven't slept in days."

Dean raised himself from the motel room bed slowly, groggily placing his weight on his feet, tempted to throw a pillow at Sam and continue his slumber.

"Well, we've got work to do, I've done research, and get this…"

"Get this, get that, blah blah blah, Sam, I really don't care right now."

"Hey! Don't be such a crabass just because Cas…"

"We're not talking about Cas right now! I'm just tired, that's all."

Sam lowered his voice, approaching his brother cautiously, "Dean, I'm sorry. It's just… are you sure you're okay? I know you've said it a thousand times, but I don't think you can hide it anymore," he placed a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder.

Dean turned away almost instantly, placing himself back on the edge of the bed. He put his head in his hands briefly before replying unconvincingly, "I told you yesterday, I told you two days ago, I told you last week, I've been telling you all fucking year that I'm fine. I just wanna sleep."

"You've said that so many times you're starting to believe it. But I don't."

"And why not?"

"I heard you praying last night, and the night before that, and almost every other night before that. You're not as quiet as you think you are. You're not sleeping because you're praying, Dean. You're praying to Cas. I know you are."

"Son of a bitch," Dean whimpered almost inaudibly. "Son of a bitch left us."

Sam sat beside Dean on the bed, but carefully kept his distance.

Dean continued, "Sometimes I think I hear him answer my prayers, but I'm just going fucking insane. He's never there."

It was true- the night before, Dean had been praying into the thin air, almost positive that this time he would get a response, and he could have sworn he heard a familiar "Hello, Dean," behind him, but turned around to see nothing but his brother sleeping and a clock reading 4:17 a.m. After muttering a few profanities, Dean promised himself that he would stop praying to Cas because as of that night, it had been exactly one year since the angel had vanished.

Yet, sitting there on the ratty bed, his mouth spitting out words he never wanted Sam to hear, he had never been more tempted to give it one last shot. Maybe, just maybe, this time, Cas would answer.

Maybe.

Dean pondered the idea, but moved it to the back of his mind quickly. It was nothing but false hope to him anymore. He tried his best to block out the urge to stand up mid-conversation, walk out of the room, fall to his knees, and scream to the heavens or wherever the hell Cas was. It was harder than he thought it would be.

"Dean, losing him's been hard on me too, but…"

"Losing him? Why d'you gotta talk about him like he's dead?" Dean could feel himself growing more and more irritated, not with Sam, but with his inability to convince himself that Cas was still out there.

"I'm sorry, it's just that he used to come whenever you'd call, and he's never left us for this long before. Not without giving us some sort of notice or something. I'm sorry, Dean, I really am, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. The more you believe he's still out there, the more it will hurt."

"He is out there! I know he is! I'd rather have him leave us forever than have him be dead!" Dean began to raise his voice.

"Dean, you're doing this to yourself. You're just getting angrier and angrier because you think he's ignoring you. I want him to be alive and well just as much as you do, but at this point, it's just not logical," Sam spoke more firmly.

"I just don't get it, Sam. One day he's here, with us, and the next he's just… not. No reason. No explanation. He's just gone. I don't wanna think that he just left us, but I don't wanna think that he's dead. I just want him back."

"You can't do anything about it."

"I know. And that's what fucking sucks."

They sat in an odd silence for a while. Sam tried to conjure up a way to help direct his brother's attention away from the missing angel; while conversely, Dean began to lose the battle with his urge to pray.

Just as Sam opened his mouth to fill the room with conversation once more, Dean stood up and headed for the door wordlessly.

"Where are you going?"

Dean didn't respond, but he didn't need to. Sam knew the answer.

"Dean, no! I'm telling you, you're just hurting yourself. Please don't do this to yourself."

Just as he reached the door, Dean turned around and muttered the three words he had said to himself every night for the past year, just loud enough so Sam could hear him.

"One more try."

Dean slammed the door behind him and set out for the nearly vacant motel parking lot. He didn't care that the sun hadn't completely set yet and people were still out and about. He knew any bystanders would think he was insane. He just didn't care about anyone else. All he cared about was getting his angel back.

"Castiel," Dean began softly, his voice quivering slightly. "I am asking you one last time. Please come back. I'm begging you. Please."

Dean spun around, hoping to be greeted by dark hair and blue eyes. But just like every other time, his wishful thinking failed him. And this time he really couldn't take it.

Dean fell to his knees and looked up, tears beginning to cloud his vision.

He needed Cas. He needed to see the smile that had become a distant memory. He needed to feel the angel's comforting hand on his shoulder once more. And more than anything, he needed to hear his voice again, because Dean was certain that the sound he had struggled to construct in his mind was nowhere near the voice he had grown to know.

"DAMMIT CAS!" he screamed. "SON OF A BITCH!"

Dean sulked his way back to the motel room, not wanting to hear Sam talk about how he was right. He knew that Sam's words rang true; he felt worse than he did before.

Dean collected himself, breathing deeply before entering the room. Sam, sitting at the table, turned around with a look of compassion that suddenly grew into a grin larger than Dean had seen in years.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Turn around."

Dean followed Sam's instructions, positioning himself back towards his previous path. He stepped back slightly and blinked a few times to make sure that he wasn't having some sort of hallucinogenic breakdown. There in the doorway stood no other but the trench coated figure that had been absent for a year. Dean smiled for the first time in what felt like months as he finally heard what he had desired to hear for so long.

"Hello, Dean."


	2. Homecoming

"Cas," Dean murmured.

Dean stared intently at Cas, still convincing himself that he wasn't hallucinating. Cas's expression grew into a half-smile as he spoke again.

"I'm back."

Dean responded with his smile growing into a grin as he pulled Cas into a hug.

"I missed you, man," Dean chuckled as he pulled out of the hug.

The two of them walked towards Sam, who had gotten out of his chair. Sam patted Cas on the back and said, "I'm glad you're back, Cas," before heading for the door.

"Where are you going, Sammy?" Dean inquired.

"I'm pretty sure I left some of my stuff at the library."

Sam shut the door behind him, and Dean turned his attention back to Cas.

"Cas, man, I'm so happy you're back. Really, I am."

"I'm glad to be back."

"But where were you?"

"I'm sorry, Dean. I wish I could tell you."

"Why can't you?"

Cas paused for a moment and sat down, fumbling around with a few objects Sam had left messily on the table. Dean just looked at him, conflicting emotions racing through him.

"Cas, you can't just leave for a whole year and not tell me where you've been."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I can't."

"Dammit, Cas, why not?!" Dean shouted. Cas looked up at him, his eyes swimming with sadness and a hint a fear. Dean continued, "You leave me for a whole fucking year and you can't even tell me where you were?!"

"Dean, I…"

"You know what, Cas? I don't need this."

"Need what?"

"All this. You were gone for a year. It may not sound like much, but when you're waking up each day worried sick, it feels like decades, and it hurts like hell. And I prayed to you, Cas. I prayed to you every night for a year. And not once did you answer me. So every night I'd try to fall asleep, not knowing if you were even still alive."

"You prayed?"

Dean shot Cas a puzzled look. "You didn't hear me?"

"Not once."

"So just now, you didn't hear me?"

"No."

"Then why'd you come?"

"I heard Sam."

"Sam?"

"Yes. He said that you needed me."

"But what I don't understand, Cas, is that you're gone for a whole year, and Sam says a few words to you and suddenly your feathery ass is back?"

"I tried to come back, Dean. I really did. But I couldn't."

"And why not?"

"I can't tell you."

"Dammit, Cas! What exactly _can _you tell me?!"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What do you want me to do, pretend you weren't gone for a whole fucking year and just go on like nothing happened?"

"Precisely."

Dean walked over to the bed and sat down, placing his head in his hands. He didn't want to get angry at Cas, but his worry was evolving into pure frustration. He took a deep breath slowly in an attempt to calm himself down.

The two of them sat in silence for a few moments, neither one of them wanting to continue the conversation with no direction. Dean twiddled his thumbs awkwardly while Cas examined a book sitting on the table. The room felt void of the happiness that had graced it just minutes before.

Dean raised his head up from his palms, looking straight ahead, away from Cas, and spoke gently.

"So you never heard me?"

"No."

"Any idea why?"

"No."

Dean sighed and turned his head towards Cas, but Cas had disappeared, leaving Dean with nothing but the sight of an empty chair.

"Son of a bitch."

Dean got up and paced around the room, trying to handle his emotions. He was thrilled Cas was back, but on the other hand he was angry that Cas provided no information on his previous whereabouts. And somewhere in between the two, he was worried about Cas. Really worried.

If only Dean knew why Cas couldn't tell him. Did somebody threaten him? Was his life in danger? Dean pondered these awful thoughts for a while, occasionally kicking something over in frustration.

Suddenly, the door opened, and Sam walked in.

"Where's Cas?" he asked.

"Gone."

"Where'd he go?"

"Who knows?"

Sam put down his jacket and belongings and shut the door.

"Did he tell you where he was?"

"No."

"Any idea?"

"No."

"Well, what did he say?"

"Not much. Except he told me that you prayed to him."

"I had to."

"Why?"

"Dean, you were a mess. You needed Cas."

"The last thing I need right now is my baby brother worrying about me."

"Why shouldn't I? You would've done the same thing for me."

"I know, it's just… listen, Sammy, I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Dean."

Sam took his original seat back at the table, but Dean remained standing up, pacing every so often.

"He never heard my prayers. Not one of them."

Sam looked at Dean sympathetically. He knew from the first time he heard Dean praying that something was off with the way that Cas never answered, though Sam thought he was dead. It was rare that Cas didn't come when one of them called, especially Dean.

"Not a single one?"

"Not a single one."

There was silence before Sam spoke again. "I'm sorry, Dean."

"So what's the real reason?"

"For what?"

"For praying to Cas when I was outside."

"I already told you, Dean. You were a mess. You needed him."

"No, Sam, I've been a mess. If that was the reason, you would've done that a long time ago. Now what's the real reason?"

"Because I heard you praying last night."

"And?"

"And you said that you loved him."


	3. Desire

Dean stared at Sam for a moment, not knowing how to respond. He never thought that Sam would hear him say that he loved Cas. Dean hadn't planned on telling him any time soon.

"You weren't supposed to hear that," Dean muttered.

"But I did."

"Ugh. Shit."

Dean pulled up a chair next to Sam and sat at the table alongside him. He never wanted to have this conversation, but he knew he needed to now.

"I've known for a long time, Dean."

"What?"

"That you love Cas. I've known. I think I just needed to hear you say it."

"How the hell could you have known that?"

"You're my big brother. I know you better than anyone else in the world. It's the way you look at him, the way you talk to him, how you acted when he was missing… it's everything."

Dean sighed. "I guess."

"I didn't really leave anything at the library," Sam confessed abruptly.

"So, what, you wanted to leave us alone?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Does he know?"

"That I love him? No. I was hoping he'd heard my prayer, y'know, the one from last night. I thought maybe that's what made him come back, like one of those cheesy things that you read in shitty romance novels where the power of love saves the day and everybody lives happily ever after."

"What shitty romance novels have youbeen reading?"

"Not my point, Sammy."

"Are you gonna tell him?"

Dean hesitated. "No."

"Why not?"

"He's an angel, Sam. Angels don't have feelings. I mean, I know it's Cas, but love is such a strong emotion I don't think any angel could feel it. At least not towards a human."

"You never know."

The two brothers sat and talked, really talked, for the first time in a while. They discussed love, heartbreak, losses, angels, demons, and just about everything they hadn't mentioned for a long, long time. Beers were opened and drank, and the television was turned on. Sam occasionally cracked a joke and Dean would laugh, and Sam would laugh, and they would laugh together and be brothers again for the first time in a year. Dean hadn't been there before, not really, while Cas was gone, because a part of him was missing.

The sun set and the stars shone brightly in the sky. The moon was nearly full, casting some light through the window of the dim motel room.

Sam and Dean headed off to their beds around midnight. Sam's mind was rushing with happiness because Dean was finally returning to his old self, the brother that he had grown up with. Dean's mind, on the other hand, was full of confusion. He was ecstatic, of course, because he now knew that Cas was alive. But he didn't know if Cas was safe, or where he had been.

He also didn't know if Cas loved him back.

Dean wanted more than anything to be with the angel all the time, to hold him in his arms, to kiss him on the forehead, the cheek, the mouth – really, anywhere – and to tell him he loved him and hear it in return.

He tossed and turned in the sheets, unable to rid his mind of thoughts of Cas. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.

Dean pulled the covers off of him and sat at the edge of the bed. He put his head in his hands and took a deep breath.

"Cas," he whispered, "if you can hear me, I kinda need to talk to you right now."

Nothing.

Minutes passed. Still nothing.

Dean crawled back into bed, disappointed. He assumed that Cas still couldn't hear him, which sucked a lot, to say the least. Dean turned over and shut his eyes, hoping that if he lay still for long enough he'd at least get a couple hours of rest.

After around an hour, his mind began to clear of all troubled thoughts and he drifted off into a deep sleep. It ended just as quickly as it started.

"Dean."

Dean groaned and turned over.

"Dean, wake up."

"Dammit, Sam, do you have something against me and sleep?" Dean grunted, half-asleep.

"It's not Sam."

Dean opened his eyes fully to see Cas sitting at the edge of the bed.

"Cas, what the hell? Could you have picked a worse time?"

"My apologies. I wanted to make sure we wouldn't be interrupted."

Dean looked over at Sam, who was still sound asleep in his bed.

"I don't wanna wake Sam."

Cas motioned for Dean to follow him. He got off of the bed and began to head for the door. Dean sat up slowly, exhausted, and hesitated for a moment before putting his feet on the ground. He was excited to talk to Cas again, but his brain was aching for some rest. He followed Cas out the door, grabbing a coat on his way out.

Dean shut the door quietly behind him. Cas looked over his shoulder to make sure Dean was still following him and stopped. Dean approached him to speak, but Cas interrupted his thought.

"I'm sorry I ran off before."

"It's alright, but why'd you leave?"

"I didn't know what to say to you. I don't like it when you're angry with me."

"I'm not mad at you, Cas, I'm just… frustrated. That's all."

"Why?"

"I'm worried. You won't tell me where you've been, and it makes me think that you're not safe."

"Don't worry about me, Dean. I'm an angel. I'm meant to look over you, not the other way around."

"I need to worry, Cas. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Cas looked directly into Dean's eyes and took a step closer to him. "Nothing will happen to me."

"I don't know that for sure, Cas. I've lost a lot of people before. I'd rather not lose one more."

"Why do you keep worrying? I'll be fine, Dean. I promise."

"I don't think you can promise me that."

"Why not?"

"Because you won't tell me where you've been. I don't like secrets, Cas."

"I'm sorry, Dean, but that's the way it has to be."

"Cas, it's just… I…" Dean's brain was too tired to form a sentence that described what he felt. His drowsiness was taking hold, and it was growing difficult for him to make conscious decisions.

So he grabbed Cas by the waist and kissed him. Cas didn't resist.

The kiss was short and sweet, but Dean took in every second. Cas's lips were soft and filled him with warmth, despite the cold temperature. It felt like nothing else existed and time stopped, and for that moment, there was Dean, and there was Cas, and they were together, and there was nobody else in the whole universe.

Dean was the one who pulled away. For a moment the two of them just looked at each other, neither one wanting to speak. Dean moved his hand back to his side. He smiled.

"What was that for?" Cas asked.

"I'll tell my secret when you tell yours."

Dean headed back for the motel, not bothering to check and see if Cas was following him. He didn't care anymore. He had finally kissed Cas, as he'd wanted to for so long. If only Cas knew the love behind the gesture.

But as he said, Dean would tell his secret when Cas told his.


	4. Choice

Dean awoke the next morning to the sun shining brightly through the window. Sam's bed was empty and messy. According to the clock, it was nearly noon.

Dean wasn't sure at what time he had fallen asleep. By the time he had gotten back to the motel room it was nearly 2, and falling asleep did not prove to be any easier. His mind was cluttered with thoughts of Cas – mostly good ones, this time – that wouldn't leave him alone. He kept replaying the kiss over and over in his head, trying to recreate the warmth and tenderness he had felt in that moment. Eventually, he slept deeply and had sweet dreams for the first time in months.

Dean got up slowly, not quite wanting to leave the relative comfort of the bed. He wanted so badly to slip back into his dreams and sweet thoughts of Cas, but he knew he had to face reality sooner or later.

He placed his feet on the ground one at a time, slowly, before raising himself off the bed. He stretched his arms out a bit, groaning softly as he did so. Noticing a piece of paper, he walked towards the otherwise empty table. It was a note that read:

_Went back to the library. I'll have a conclusion on this creature by the time I get back. You deserve some rest._

_-Sam_

Dean put the note down and smiled to himself, knowing Sam would never let him wake up to an empty room without reason.

He decided he needed to take a shower. Not only did he feel pretty dirty, but his emotions were still swirling around in his head, and perhaps some hot water and time alone would help him clear his head.

He entered the bathroom, which was probably the dirtiest and messiest part of the motel room. The shower was a bit rusty and the sink was a little moldy, but it was alright for a temporary home, though the rest of the room was much better kept.

Dean took off his shirt and threw it on the ground, not caring much, it was dirty anyways. He unbuttoned his pants, eager to take them off because he had been far too exhausted to change into something more comfortable before going to bed. Finally, he slipped off his boxers, leaving him completely exposed.

He turned the knob of the shower, impatiently waiting for it to warm up. After a few moments, he stepped into the shower, instantly feeling relief.

The warm water rushed over him, dripping down his body. He picked up a small bottle of shampoo and lathered it into his hair, the smell of lavender filling the air. Dean inhaled deeply and sighed to himself. He began to think to himself, the hot water and sweet scent relaxing him.

He thought of Cas first, of course, for he had now become like a default setting of focus for his mind. He closed his eyes and imagined the kiss again. He loved to think about it and how great it made him feel.

Of course among all these great thoughts were bad ones, as he realized he couldn't hide from his frustration forever. He still longed to know where Cas had been and why he couldn't tell him. There was no way Dean could put this puzzle together on his own because Cas had given him no pieces to work with.

Dean got lost in thought for a while, not realizing how long he had been in the shower until the water turned colder. He turned the water off and stepped out, reaching for a towel as he did so. He wrapped the towel around himself and stepped out of the bathroom, walking toward his bag to get some fresh clothes.

He dressed himself and sat back down on the bed, feeling a lot better physically, but mentally still confused. The happiness from the night before was still there, but frustration still lingered, becoming more apparent as the initial joy of the kiss faded.

Dean was pretty well rested, but he still decided to lie back down. He rarely had the opportunity to simply take deep breaths and relax. He stayed still for a while, practically meditating, eventually reaching a state of complete relaxation where his mind was totally clear of all his confusion.

It didn't last long.

"Dean."

Dean sat up and saw Cas standing over him, staring anxiously.

"Dammit Cas, this is like the third time in the past 24 hours you've just kind of poofed in. What is it now?"

"Come with me."

"What? Where?"

"I don't know where. Just come with me, Dean. Run away with me."

"Cas, slow down! What's going on?"

"I don't have time to slow down."

"I can't just leave, Cas. I can't leave Sam. Why the hell are you running away?"

"No time to explain right now."

"Cas, I can't."

"Dean, if you don't come with me right now, you'll never see me again."

Dean stood up and moved closer to Cas.

"Don't say that."

"That's how it has to be."

"Can Sam come?"

"No time to wait for him."

"What, can't you just poof over there and get him?"

"No time. If you don't decide in the next minute, I'm going to leave."

"But where the hell are you going!? You were just gone for a year!"

"I told you, I don't have time to explain."

"Cas, I don't know."

"Make your decision, Dean. Are you coming or not?"


	5. Affections

"Cas, I-"

"Yes or no?"

Dean looked around, avoiding eye contact with Cas. He sighed.

"Yes."

He turned back towards Cas.

"Okay, Dean, let's go."

"Wait."

"I don't have time to wait."

Dean walked past Cas, over to the table, and grabbed a pencil. He flipped over Sam's note from earlier and began to write.

"Dean, stop."

Cas tore the note out from under Dean's hand and placed it back down.

_I'm sorry_

It's all that Dean had time to write. It's all that Sam would read when he returned. Dean hated the thought of Sam not knowing where he was, and was beginning to regret his spontaneous decision.

"Let's go, Dean. Now."

In an instant, Dean was unsure as to where he was, surrounded by trees and cool air. Cas seemed content with his decision of location.

"Where the hell are we?"

"A forest in Alabama. It's a pretty good spot."

"Cas, what the hell? What am I supposed to eat? Where am I supposed to sleep?"

Dean hated his impulsiveness. If he had said no, would be back in the motel room, laying down, waiting for Sam to return. He'd be able to hunt down whatever creature they'd been after for three days and save people.

But the thought of never seeing Cas again had scared him too much. It didn't quite hit him that he might never see Sam again.

"Don't worry, Dean. This isn't permanent." Cas began to walk around, admiring the vast landscape and foliage.

Dean followed closely behind, terrified of getting lost in the woods with no way out.

"Okay, well, I haven't eaten since last night."

Cas paused for a moment and grabbed a leaf off a low-hanging branch, feeling its texture and observing it carefully. "Beautiful," he whispered.

"Hey, Cas, I'm sure that leaf's real interesting."

"My apologies. Sometimes I forget how gorgeous everything is down here… precise, intricate patterns. Really is beautiful."

"So, yeah, food?"

"Perhaps there are berries or something around here."

"Berries? Really?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Maybe we could pop into a diner real quick? Do we really have to stay here?"

"No, Dean! For now, we stay here. I don't want to draw any attention to myself."

"Cas, I…" Dean didn't want to get angry. He was the one who had said yes, after all. "Berries sound great."

He was lying through his teeth, of course. All he really wanted was a bacon cheeseburger, maybe some French fries to go with it, but the last thing he wanted to do was argue with Cas.

Cas wandered around a bit, and Dean stayed a little bit further behind him this time. The angel looked so fascinated as he admired his surroundings, like a child in a candy shop.

Cas paused for a moment and turned back towards Dean, reached out his hand, and smiled.

"Come on."

Dean grabbed the angel's hand, intertwining his fingers with Cas's. He didn't know where the gesture came from, but he wasn't in any state to reject it. They continued walking.

"So why'd you bring me here?"

"I told you, Dean. I needed to run away."

"But why'd you bring me?"

"I wanted company."

"Company, huh?"

"Yes. Being alone for a very long time isn't an appealing thought."

Cas stopped walking by a large oak tree and let go of Dean's hand. He sat in the shade of the tree, and motioned for Dean to come sit beside him. Dean smiled as he took his seat. He had an amazing view of the forest, finally understanding why Cas had admired its beauty so intently.

"You're right, Cas. It's beautiful."

Cas looked over at him and smiled.

The two of them sat there for a while, side by side, just watching the forest. The wind blew, causing the trees to dance and the leaves to swirl around. Birds chirped and bugs buzzed around. Everything in the forest continued as it always did because even the presence of an angel and a hunter couldn't disturb it.

Suddenly, Dean felt an arm creep around his waist. He was startled at first, but turned and saw Cas, smiling at him. Dean gave into the gesture, leaning his head on Cas's shoulder and wrapping his arm around him in return.

It was odd to him, being in the arms of the angel. He had always pictured it being the other way around, but right in that moment, Dean had never felt safer in his life. His mom used to tell him that angels were watching over him; now, he was really starting to believe it.

He was a bit confused, of course, by the sudden affection that Cas was expressing. Perhaps Dean's initiation of the kiss the night before had caused it, or perhaps it was circumstantial romance created by the atmosphere of nature. Or perhaps Cas did love him, somehow.

Dean didn't have much time to think about it because before he knew it, his lips met Cas's once more. The beginning of the kiss was unclear to him; it happened abruptly, like a bolt of lightning warning of an oncoming storm. Dean grabbed Cas tighter as their frenzy of passion progressed further.

Neither one of them was sure how long they kissed for. They lost track of time, so enthralled with each other they nearly forgot they were practically in the middle of nowhere. In those moments, all that mattered to Dean was Cas, and all that mattered to Cas was Dean.

Dean let go of his worries and frustration just for a little while, focusing on the feeling of kissing Cas, really kissing him, for the first time. He focused on the way Cas's lips felt pressed against his and the way their tongues mingled together so perfectly as they traced the outline of each other's lips and the inside of each other's mouths.

The end of the kiss was as hazy as the beginning; it just sort of ended, and the two of them lay there in each other's arms for a while, simply enjoying the peacefulness that accompanied it. There was so much to be said, yet it all remained unspoken in a blissful silence.

It had probably been at least an hour – it was difficult to tell with the trees blocking out a lot of the light – before either one of them spoke again. Dean smiled a lot and Cas gave that same half-smile he always did, and they would peck each other on the cheek or lips occasionally. They simply enjoyed each other.

"Dean," Cas finally spoke, softly.

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Do you want to know where I've been?"


	6. Revelations

"I do."

Cas sat more upright and looked into Dean's eyes.

"Heaven."

"Heaven? Really? That's it? That's your big secret?"

"I wasn't there by my own will, Dean. They captured me. They took me there. They were worried about me, I mean more than usual, and some of my memories from then are hazy. I knew they were going to come for me eventually. I just didn't know how to tell you."

"Who's 'they'?"

"The angels. All the rest of them. It's a mess up there, Dean. It always has been. I've always been different than the rest of them."

"What did they want you for?"

"Like I said, they were worried about me. They have been ever since I pulled you out of Hell. They said that from the moment I laid a hand on you, I began to develop human characteristics. They've been after me. They want to change me back. I've just done a good job of keeping away from them and keeping interaction to a minimum. I never let them close enough to take me, but I knew they'd get me one day. I didn't want you to think I was in danger. So I never said anything."

Dean didn't know what to say. Cas continued.

"They did things to me, Dean. Things I knew they would do. My 'angel radio' as you call it, they've, to put it simply, rewired it. That's why I can't hear your prayers. They cut off my contact with you. I was able to rebuild my connection with Sam, but ours was too deep to reconstruct. They felt you were at the core of my emotions."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I just feel like that's something I should say right now. You're hurt. You're broken."

"You don't need to apologize for anything, Dean. This is my fault."

"Don't say that."

"It is. If I hadn't resisted them, you wouldn't need to worry about me. I'd be safe."

"So why'd you resist?"

"Because otherwise, I'd still be an angel."

"You've fallen?"

"It's not that simple, Dean. Falling is a slow process when you don't rip out your grace. I'm not sure how long it will take. I'm going to lose my powers slowly."

"Why'd you do it?"

"I don't want to be like them anymore, Dean. I want to be human. I want to feel."

"Why would you want that?"

"It sounds better than taking orders and commands day after day, emotionless, like some sort of robot. I want to be happy and I want to be sad. I want to know what it's all like. I've felt some emotion before, but never to the extent of humans. I find it fascinating. I think that's what I want."

"Do you think it's worth it?"

"I guess I'll just have to wait and see."

Dean kissed Cas lightly on the mouth.

"I love you, Cas."

"Dean, I…"

"You don't have to say it back. I don't think you can feel love. Not yet, anyways."

"I wish I could. I suppose I will one day. I think I'll love you, Dean Winchester."

"One day."

"One day."

Cas shut his eyes for a moment, looking almost pained.

"What is it, Cas?"

"It's Sam. He's praying, Dean. He's worried about you."

"What else is he saying?"

"I don't know. It's hard to tell exactly what he's saying. But he sounds concerned, as he should be. It's fading. My connection's getting weaker with time."

"Is there any way you can tell him I'm alright?"

"No. It doesn't work both ways."

"You can't pop in?"

"No. Heaven probably already knows I've been there. They'll find traces of me, but they can't track me down. I can't go back there."

"Wait, if you're losing your powers, how are we supposed to get out of here?"

"They fade slowly, Dean. I won't be able to travel as far, and it'll wear me out. We have to stay on the move, but eventually we'll have to move slower."

Dean sighed audibly.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

"Don't worry, Dean. Everything's going to be okay."

"You can't promise me that. Sam's my little brother. I don't know if he's gonna try to finish this hunt on his own or if he's gonna go out looking for me… either way, he could get hurt. What the fuck have I done?"

"You've done nothing wrong, Dean. Sam will be fine."

"I shouldn't have left him."

"You'll see him again, I promise."

"I thought you said I'd never see you again if I didn't come with you."

"I did."

"So how will I see Sam again?"

"It's complicated."

"Complicated? What? Can you predict the future now?"

"No."

"Cas."

"What?"

"You confuse the shit out of me sometimes, you know that?"

Dean buried his face back in Cas's chest, taking in his warmth. Cas sank down and wrapped his free arm around Dean, holding him close. The wind began to pick up as the late afternoon approached sunset.

Cas took in every detail of Dean. He examined the freckles on his face and the crinkles by his eyes when he smiled. He felt the energy he gave off. It was as if he could feel love radiating off of him.

Cas simply enjoyed Dean.


End file.
